Disjointed: My entry in the opening/closing sentence exersize
Woke up in a strange room again and it took me awhile to realize it wasn't mine. These blackouts were beginning to become very frightning. No clue where I was. No clue what I had done. Waking up confused on an increasingly regular basis. This was no way to live.
I rose from the stranger's bed, anxious to discover where I was. The room was dark and smelled of old cigarette smoke. I fumbled around until I found the light switch. Let there be light. As my eyes adjusted to the harsh florescent lighting, I discovered that I was in a gorgeous apartment. Maybe I had gotten lucky. Fat chance of that. Wishful thinking.
I crossed the room so I could look out the window. What I saw there almost put my on my ass. New York City? How in the hell did I make it from sunny Florida to NYC? I guess it was possible since I didn't even know what day it was. This was starting to get a little scary. Scary enough that I needed to pee. If only I could find the bathroom.
Once found, I entered the bathroom. It was musty smelling. Something of a metallic quality to the smell. It was also filthy. Dark brown stains on the floor, on the wall, and even some on the ceiling. Might as well shower while I'm here. I opened the shower curtain to find a decaying human body, at least I figure it was human. Did I do this?
I ran out the door and down the stairs. Into the nightlife of NYC. How did I get here? Who was that person in the tub? Did I kill them or were they already dead when I got there? Why was I blacking out like that? What day was it? The last day I remember was November sixteenth. I asked someone the date. She said it was January twentieth. January fucking twentieth! Had I really lost two months of my life?
I must have walked for hours and hours. Somehow my walk brought me to Queens. I was hungry and tired. I didn't know when I had eaten last. I found the closest diner type place and sat at a table. After a couple minutes, a gorgeous waitress sauntered over to my table.
"Joseph, how have you been? Will you be having the usual?"
"Yeah, sure."
My heart was pounding in my chest. I knew this woman? How? Who was she? This was really beginning to freak me the fuck out. Hell, I didn't even know what my usual was. In my confusion I started to draw on a napkin. I didn't even look at what I was doing, I just drew.
She brought me my food. Three eggs sunny side up, a double order of bacon, sausage, hash browns and toast. In other words, heart attack on a plate. She sat down oppsite me and lit a cigarette.
"It's my break, hope you don't mind. You haven't been around in a couple weeks, I've been worried. I hope you didn't forget that we have a date next week. That new show on Broadway."
"Yeah sure. I remember. I don't remember which day though. How have you been?"
"I'm doing. Same old, same old. You know the routine."
"Yeah. Work and more work."
"Speaking of work, time for me to get back to it. See you next Tuesday hon."
She snuffed out her cigarette and disappeared into the kitchen. I finished my food and left a twenty on the table. I left the diner and walked back toward Manhatten. I had no clue at all how I got here. I just knew I wanted to get out. I didn't want that body coming back to haunt me. At least not in the sense that I'd be arrested and jailed. I figure I'll carry it with me forever.
I hit the train station and bought a ticket for sunny Florida. Home. I wanted to get home. I boarded the train and took my seat. Beside me was a nice older gentleman talking about grandchildren in South Carolina. I fell asleep. Sleep was nice. I dreamed of NYC and killing that poor girl. It was all so vivid. The way her head broke open like a ripe melon when I hit it with the telephone. The way she smelled before I even touched her. The way she begged for her life as I was bearing down on her, holding her still so I could see and smell the fear. I felt so alive in that moment. Somewhere in my dream I could hear the steady clack clacking of the train. At some point it stopped, but I kept on dreaming. Dreaming of Moya the waitress watching as I beat and cut her sister. My unconsious mind giving me the details I had forgotten. Closure.
I woke up in a strange room again and it took me awhile to realize it wasn't mine.
Started and finished between classes. Not my best work at all. However, I do like that I found a way to use the same sentence to start and finish the piece.
I rose from the stranger's bed, anxious to discover where I was. The room was dark and smelled of old cigarette smoke. I fumbled around until I found the light switch. Let there be light. As my eyes adjusted to the harsh florescent lighting, I discovered that I was in a gorgeous apartment. Maybe I had gotten lucky. Fat chance of that. Wishful thinking.
I crossed the room so I could look out the window. What I saw there almost put my on my ass. New York City? How in the hell did I make it from sunny Florida to NYC? I guess it was possible since I didn't even know what day it was. This was starting to get a little scary. Scary enough that I needed to pee. If only I could find the bathroom.
Once found, I entered the bathroom. It was musty smelling. Something of a metallic quality to the smell. It was also filthy. Dark brown stains on the floor, on the wall, and even some on the ceiling. Might as well shower while I'm here. I opened the shower curtain to find a decaying human body, at least I figure it was human. Did I do this?
I ran out the door and down the stairs. Into the nightlife of NYC. How did I get here? Who was that person in the tub? Did I kill them or were they already dead when I got there? Why was I blacking out like that? What day was it? The last day I remember was November sixteenth. I asked someone the date. She said it was January twentieth. January fucking twentieth! Had I really lost two months of my life?
I must have walked for hours and hours. Somehow my walk brought me to Queens. I was hungry and tired. I didn't know when I had eaten last. I found the closest diner type place and sat at a table. After a couple minutes, a gorgeous waitress sauntered over to my table.
"Joseph, how have you been? Will you be having the usual?"
"Yeah, sure."
My heart was pounding in my chest. I knew this woman? How? Who was she? This was really beginning to freak me the fuck out. Hell, I didn't even know what my usual was. In my confusion I started to draw on a napkin. I didn't even look at what I was doing, I just drew.
She brought me my food. Three eggs sunny side up, a double order of bacon, sausage, hash browns and toast. In other words, heart attack on a plate. She sat down oppsite me and lit a cigarette.
"It's my break, hope you don't mind. You haven't been around in a couple weeks, I've been worried. I hope you didn't forget that we have a date next week. That new show on Broadway."
"Yeah sure. I remember. I don't remember which day though. How have you been?"
"I'm doing. Same old, same old. You know the routine."
"Yeah. Work and more work."
"Speaking of work, time for me to get back to it. See you next Tuesday hon."
She snuffed out her cigarette and disappeared into the kitchen. I finished my food and left a twenty on the table. I left the diner and walked back toward Manhatten. I had no clue at all how I got here. I just knew I wanted to get out. I didn't want that body coming back to haunt me. At least not in the sense that I'd be arrested and jailed. I figure I'll carry it with me forever.
I hit the train station and bought a ticket for sunny Florida. Home. I wanted to get home. I boarded the train and took my seat. Beside me was a nice older gentleman talking about grandchildren in South Carolina. I fell asleep. Sleep was nice. I dreamed of NYC and killing that poor girl. It was all so vivid. The way her head broke open like a ripe melon when I hit it with the telephone. The way she smelled before I even touched her. The way she begged for her life as I was bearing down on her, holding her still so I could see and smell the fear. I felt so alive in that moment. Somewhere in my dream I could hear the steady clack clacking of the train. At some point it stopped, but I kept on dreaming. Dreaming of Moya the waitress watching as I beat and cut her sister. My unconsious mind giving me the details I had forgotten. Closure.
I woke up in a strange room again and it took me awhile to realize it wasn't mine.
Started and finished between classes. Not my best work at all. However, I do like that I found a way to use the same sentence to start and finish the piece.
posted by hooligan at 11:12 AM
2 Comments:
I like how you framed it with the same sentence as well.
Well for something scratched out between classes, it's not a bad story at all. What it lacks is some depth and more character development. If you wanted to turn this into something more, I would lose some of the repetative internal running dialog, (ie: there's a lot of "what's happening to me? How did I get here?") and instead go even deeper into this guy's head. Slow the pace down, stretch the emotions and angst out like taffy.
I like how he finds himself at the diner and the waitress he knows, kind of a sign that his two worlds are colliding and melding. I'd make the location be a little closer for realism though. Why would his usual place be so far out of the way?
I'm glad you posted another exercise. I haven't had time to make comments on the other one yet, but I will, even if I have to email them to you.
Thanks. Not my best work by far. It's finals week and that has taken priority. Nothing wrong with throwing something out there on the fly to see what sticks. Of course, this begs the question, What's next? HA!
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